Daily Grind Of Still Water

“I’ll explain later!” I screamed, shoving Stacey off me as we roared out of the car park on two wheels.They fuck you up your mum and dad.. well, your dad does anyway

More from Dom Joly. The supermarket giant Tesco is using a rail firm set up to transport highly radioactive nuclear waste as part of its £100m bid to become the “greenest” retailer in Britain. The chain boasted last month that it was the first major food retailer to shift large amounts of freight from Britain’s roads back on to the railways, using specially imported “green” trains and carriages.
But these trains are run by a company set up by Sellafield’s owner, British Nuclear Fuels Ltd, to move used nuclear fuel around the country. The kids were crying and their great-aunt was definitely starting to regret our visit. After three attempts, I just about managed it although their brown tails peeked out from underneath I didn’t have much time. I could see the headline: “Comedian craps in local beauty spot…”I decided to act.

I took two large stones from the bottom of the river and slowly tried to use them to pin the floaters to the riverbed. I tried to move them downstream by wafting my feet underwater but they weren’t budging The next people into the river would spot them immediately. I tried signalling to Stacey but she just waved back happily I was alone I felt a bead of sweat start making its way down my back. All I could see were two enormous brown floaters waving hello at me from the crystal-clear water I looked around again No one had seen anything… yet.I couldn’t pick them up as, although solid, I figured that, once out of water, they’d dissolve in my hands leaving me with a worse situation. Jackson got up and wandered off to inspect something on the riverbank leaving me standing right by the evidence. On the other side of the river, a romantically inclined couple were canoodling quietly in the water.

This was summer at its best.Jackson then sat down in the water, submerging himself up to his chest. I rushed to help him but he seemed blissfully happy, a big smile on his face. I relaxed but then noticed the cause of his happiness.Floating, but sadly not moving anywhere, were two enormous, perfectly formed turds. Jackson, being just two is also a keen water baby, but slightly less able to swim around on his own. As Great-Aunt and Stacey gazed adoringly down from a nearby bridge, I helped him paddle in the shallows.

It was a perfect family scene and several elderly rambling couples had soon stopped on the bridge to coo at it. It was brilliant for paddling and, as it was a hot day, both kids stripped off and dived into the cold water.
Parker, my eldest, is a great swimmer and was ducking and diving about quite happily. I’d normally go somewhere remote for swimming, but we had the kids and there’s a dearth of great swimming spots there so we chose a pool with a car park where some people had already assembled. From The Maldives to West Somerset – we’d promised the kids a holiday when Stacey and I got back from ours So we took them to visit their great-aunt in Minehead. I know, The Maldives was probably the better deal, but I do love West Somerset and I wanted my kids to see it.